With the Republican GOP Presidents and Presidential hopefuls going back to at least 1980, we think it’s time to change it from the Grand Old Party to the 'Golden Oldies' Party.

Mark Spitz was a little ticked that he wasn't asked to go to the Olympic Games. He felt he should be there when swimmer Michael Phelps had a chance to win 8 gold medals, which would break Spitz's all time record of 7 gold medals. In addition Spitz was complaining a bit about these technologically superior suit made by Speedo. Spitz said, if he is really that good, make him wear a chicken choker Speedo like he did, give his sister back her bathing cap and put the yellow flower back on. Finally, grow one of 1970's porn mustaches and break the records there speedy!

We just saw this promo on The Street or somewhere buried in the links about this thing called "Three Stocks I Saw on TV". Whoa…what an idea! This guy Dan Fitzpatrick analyzes (listens to what the other guys say) three stocks that were on earlier that day on, either 'Fast Money' or 'Mad Money'. So he watches TV and than tell us what Jim Cramer, Dylan Rattigan and the 'Fast Money' crew, including Pete Najarian, voted on of the top 100 traders of the year and what they think about the stocks. You also have three other top traders on the panel with amazing resumes of their own also giving their thoughts. Don't they have a trained chimp that could do what Dan does?

We were watching the Olympics and felt like, Oh God, the disco era is back. All the girls on the woman's volleyball team are wearing hot pants!

Did you notice the pool at the Chinese Swimming Center? They actually have a row numbered Zero. If they need an extra lane, why not do what we do, which we actually learned from England. If you want an extra lane, fine, just like normal start at one and add 1 more at the end. The Chinese feeling superior and sticking with the idea that starting with Zero is better. The English replied, no way, you see ours goes to 11. It's one better, it goes to 11.

Vermont is the last state now to get the iPhone 3G. It seems a number of things took so long as hooking up with different carriers for the rural parts of Vermont. Apple also had to add some extra apps to the iPhone for Vermont only. It needed an app to download for the do-it-yourselfers at home dentistry for 5 or less teeth and has so far been downloaded by 92% of the state. It also offers a free GED app which costs no money but just a jar of maple syrup sent to Apple in the winter for Steve Job's pancakes. So far, that app has not been touched but the call center has received many calls questioning what GED stands for.

 team of joke researchers at the University of Wolverhampton, England believe that they have discovered the first joke to have ever been told. It occurred around 1900 B.C. in Samaria, which ironically is now southern Iraq. Believe it or not, the first joke ever told was supposedly about female flatulence. The first theft of a joke was also discovered there too. The next evening Shecky the Comic Camel supposedly closed with it at Mr. Crazy’s Kasbah and just died on the stage. No he really died, they knew he stole it and stoned him to death. Plus, Marvin Goldstein, the club owner, was so happy, because now he didn't have to pay his headliner. Yeah, even back then, folks, even back then.

In a related story, after taking over a year and 159 days to OK the merger of Sirius and XM Radio stations, the FCC will now launch a probe regarding the use of a bodily function which may have not been told in the safe harbor hours of the moon being almost high in the sky.

It has been confirmed the Arena that the Chinese built for the Opening ceremonies and other events is nicknamed the 'Birds Nest'. The Chinese in another example of honesty admitted that it was indeed modeled after singer Amy Winehouse's hairdo after a night of severe partying.

Monday, August 11, 2008

We couldn't believe it, we went early to our local convenience store, like we do every Friday, to play our Mega-Millions and he's closed. So, we drove to another and he's closed. Every stationary store we tried was closed. So we went home and put on the TV and there was our answer. They too were home watching television. At the opening ceremonies of the Olympics was literally every convenience store worker’s relative walking in with the athletes. What sport do they play, Powerball?

We have to admit, we got a kick out of the Paris Hilton anti-McCain video. It must have really gotten to her because now Paris is a candidate for President. If she's serious, like the other two candidates, she has got to flip flop on just about everything she says. A different economic policy in a day or two! Off shore drilling...no, she means yes. See that might be a problem. To Paris off-shore drilling is a weekend on her yacht, with her boyfriend and a video camera. Now that's hot! Oh and keep the bathing suit in the ad, it definitely made the polls rise.

Have you taken your kids school shopping yet? Well you better hurry. No, they have plenty of stock left. It is just getting harder and harder to buy anything for school that doesn't have Hannah Montana written on it. If you aren't a big Hannah Montana fan and are more inclined to be unique in your fashion sense, the hottest item on the net is now at www.thedarksize.com. They just have a few of their huge selection of funny political t-shirts available. We think we heard this week they are on backorder. The pre-release on the word alone was huge so the next shipment is coming in this week. So that guy who says, 'there is no darksize' really is a liar!

Here are our first impressions of the CNBC 2 'business babes', the new addition, Carmen Wong Ulrich and the resident expert Suzie Orman. We have seen Suzie's show a few times and have only caught Carmen's show once. The minute we saw Carmen in a black dress looking attractive and very Italian, we couldn't help but think to ourselves, you know what? I bet that when her show is over and she's done giving out financial advice, she can go home and cook up one mean pan of lasagna! While on the other hand, we get the feeling that when Suzie Orman is done with her taping, she rushes right home to iron her hair for the next show.

(Editor's Note: Pun Ditty would like to correct the above observation that Mrs. Wong Ulrich is Italian. We did not mean to due a disservice to her Latino background. It was a first impression by the cub reporter / writer and the truth only came to us after this went out on deadline. Our apologies once again and please feel free to chastise us on your show.)

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

It's about time that (AAPL) Apple's stock was making a move up and not down like in the past month. We have to admit, when we saw today's tape that AAPL stock was up over $7.00, we definitely went into a case of ticker shock.

Ford was famous for one of its commercials with the memorable line, "Have you driven a Ford...Lately". It was classic and fit the Ford Image. Now, due to the plummeting stock and business, a lot of the executives and upper personnel have lost their homes and places to live. So, with that in mind they decided to update that old saying and hope people will pity them and buy a car. The new saying goes: "Have you lived in your Ford...lately"?

If your man is moping around the house, working out a lot and kicking the family cat, it isn't the stock market that's got him so tense. Well, maybe this is why. The lack of Hummers is down 60% since last year? Poor kitty.

Why is it when they talk of fired CEO's or other key visible people, every once in a while, it will be due to their alleged Mafia ties. What is the big deal? We got this kick-butt Soprano's tie at the completion of the series with Tony saying "I guess it just goes black". Of course, it’s a black tie. We love it. The biggest hitter in our mafia tie collection is our collector’s item Goodfellas tie that came with a Special Edition DVD package. We don't think a lot of them ever made it to the stores though, they some how lost most of the shipment.

 

Barack Obama finally jumped on the John McCain being too old issue. One of the questions he has prepared for the debate is. “Senator McCain, I have seen a report while overseas with some new information about your getting shot down. From what I saw you have nothing to be ashamed of. Many pilots are unfortunately shot down. The difference is you are probably the last pilot still with us who can say he was shot down by Manfred von Richthofen, or as he was known then, THE RED BARON

Missed some laughs? Go back to The File Cabinet Archive here!

 

 

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