At some point you start to have to feel bad for Nigeria. On top of all the other matters, the recent Nigerian terrorist, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, was arrested for trying to blow up an airliner just when Nigeria needed our help most. It must be a pitiful sight, all those poor Nigerians walking around, trying to find out if you are the recipient of large sums of money in the will of a distant relative. How can you not feel bad for the emails saying that you have won a large sum of money in a lottery in Nigeria and cannot locate that person without your help. Then, of course, there is the local Barrister named Richard Okoya. Mr. Okoya, is the very popular downtrodden victim trying to recover his large sum of money trapped in an overseas bank. All it takes to help these poor souls is to send them a large check, they cash it, and solve their dilemma. Amazingly, their kind giving nature will send you back the difference which is always more than you sent them. Please don't let one bad apple ruin so many helpful folk. If we allow that to happen, any hope for our help will be lost. They need us to cash the checks from foreign nationals, governments, large conglomerates and so many others to be able to make enough snow, mountains, forests and ice rinks necessary to host the 2022 Winter Olympics in Nigeria...Godspeed Nigeria.
Monday, December 28, 2009
On Christmas Day, in an attempt to blow up a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit, the would be terrorist didn't ignite the bomb correctly, just giving off smoke and a loud bang. This gave a chance for a young Amsterdam man, Jasper Schuringa, to jump over some seats, subduing him while putting out a fire near the bomb. Apparently, all is not as it seems. Mr. Schuringa, being from Amsterdam, where certain smokable items are legal, was still majorly buzzed from smoking a big piece of hash just before they left. When the bomb didn't go off, smelling the smoke made him leap into action. He was having such a huge case of the munchies, he thought the smoke was from the terrorist microwaving popcorn.
All the media likes to do is come up with nicknames for people in the news. For example in a similar case, Richard Reid became known as the "Shoe Bomber". This case is no different. The media has already come up with a name for the man, Jasper Schuringa, who on Christmas Day was able to subdue the terrorist, and put out fires on the floor and the man's pants leg. Given this information, Jasper Schuringa is now known as "The Christmas Stocking Snuffer".
(Editor's Note: If you do hear that nickname anywhere else, the Media Department at TDJR came up with it first. Kudos to them.)
There is apparently a machine called a "Puffer" available that can check anyone's body, luggage and even underwear for particles of bomb making material. The problem is these machines are very expensive, take a long time and are annoying to passengers. They do have the right idea though, just the wrong name. If they want to check men's underwear, get them not to mind the wait and even make them happy, then the change is simple. All you have to do is change "Puffer" to "Fluffer". If it all works out, the Friendly Skies will happen before you leave the ground.
Steven Tyler of Aerosmith is off for a second rehab stint, this time for an addiction to painkillers. He has no problem with going to rehab again, its the constant phone calls of laughter, humiliation and insults that get him pissed. Its bad enough having to do this again, but does Keith Richards have to enjoy rubbing it in his face so much.
Indy Car driver, model and advertising spokeswoman for TDJR's dearly beloved hosting company Godaddy,
will be joining the NASCAR circuit switching to Stock cars from Indy cars. Sure it's a gutsy move but she said it's a no brainer (no pun intended). She says it's going to be much easier because all you have to do is go round and and around in a big funny shaped circle. Danica has gotten so busy with her modeling, domain sales, Super Bowl commercials and a race here and there that she needed to save some time. She is switching to a stock car so her hair doesn't blow around so much. She can use the car's rear view mirror to put on her make-up and all the while signing some naughty pictures for her fans.
Friday, December 25, 2009
One lesson comes from the truth about SAAB that can apply to news that every other car manufacturer should be aware. When it comes to putting out a good product, remember SAAB's error...Sucky Auto's Aren't Bought.
Friday, December
11, 2009
Quick primary on why there're so many different spellings of Hannukah for us goyim (non-Jews). Your editor did a Google search and found many, many spellings. Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukkah, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Hanukkah, Hanuka, Hanukka, Hanaka, Haneka, Hanika and Khanukkah. The spelling variations are due to the transliteration of the Hebrew Chet Nun Vav Kaf Hey. So I guess there all right...hey, have a Happy Festival of Lights..oy vey!!!
Friday
, December 04, 2009
Ben Bernanke is testifying before congress today to try and see if Congress will re-appointment and basically just let him keep his job.
It is also a chance to keep the unemployment figures at 457,000 new claims and not 457,002 if he is not re-appointed. When asked why the increase of two, Mr. Bernanke replied: "Oh no, if I'm going down for this I'm taking that little tiny lil' squeaky fellow Timmy with me". Little Timmy Geithner replied: "God Bless us all, everyone" and added, "Don't forget that friggin hoarse voice, horse faced idiot Hammerin Hank Paulson dick! He screwed us and the country with all his friends getting taken care of. Watch out Hank, I'm really mad now. I'm taking off my big boy suit, getting my step stool and coming after you. While your at it stop whatever your doing with your throat. It sounds like you're chewing gravel when you talk".
Quick primary on why there're so many different spellings of Hannukah for us goyim (non-Jews). Your editor did a Google search and found many, many spellings. Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukkah, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Hanukkah, Hanuka, Hanukka, Hanaka, Haneka, Hanika and Khanukkah. The spelling variations are due to the transliteration of the Hebrew Chet Nun Vav Kaf Hey. So I guess there all right...hey, have a Happy Festival of Lights..oy vey!!!
Ben Bernanke is testifying before congress today to try and see if Congress will re-appointment and basically just let him keep his job.
It is also a chance to keep the unemployment figures at 457,000 new claims and not 457,002 if he is not re-appointed. When asked why the increase of two, Mr. Bernanke replied: "Oh no, if I'm going down for this I'm taking that little tiny lil' squeaky fellow Timmy with me". Little Timmy Geithner replied: "God Bless us all, everyone" and added, "Don't forget that friggin hoarse voice, horse faced idiot Hammerin Hank Paulson dick! He screwed us and the country with all his friends getting taken care of. Watch out Hank, I'm really mad now. I'm taking off my big boy suit, getting my step stool and coming after you. While your at it stop whatever your doing with your throat. It sounds like you're chewing gravel when you talk".
On a slightly different note, Bernanke has been put through some pretty tough hearings and grillings before Congress already in his term. After all that, how humiliating must it be to appear again before Congress and basically have a job interview televised all over the world.
Tiger Woods only received a small fine for the accident he had recently. The fine was so small you couldn't even go out and buy a Tiger Woods brand ball. As of recently, they have gone up in price. Well in reality, it's gone up in price. As we speak he's only got 1 ball left, as the other ball is in a pair of vice grips being held by his wife.
The results from Black Friday and Cyber Monday are being examined to detail the outlook for the holiday shopping season. This will ensure that the results are in before we reach the next shopping benchmark, I Ain't Going Out to No Store or Put My Credit Card Info Into No Computer, I'm Just Gonna Stick Some Cash in an Envelope and If They Don't Like it, Too Bad Tuesday.
We always thought that
the term "Too Big To Fail" was a better diet slogan than a monetary one.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
First reports showed that the crafty Chinese have beaten us AGAIN! Not only do we owe them over $772 billion to bring down our public debt and they have a restaurant on every block in the U.S., but now they have solved the Tiger Woods "accident" and have footage to prove it.
(Editor's note: Secondary reports have since emerged giving credit to the even craftier Taiwanese that disguise themselves as Chinese with the footage now containing English subtitles...Enjoy!)
Thursday, December 03, 2009
First reports showed that the crafty Chinese have beaten us AGAIN! Not only do we owe them over $772 billion to bring down our public debt and they have a restaurant on every block in the U.S., but now they have solved the Tiger Woods "accident" and have footage to prove it.
(Editor's note: Secondary reports have since emerged giving credit to the even craftier Taiwanese that disguise themselves as Chinese with the footage now containing English subtitles...Enjoy!)
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